A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
- Alben W. Barkley
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the
Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
- Oscar Levant
I'm tired of seeing the Republicans use the most sophisticated space-age
technologies to peddle their Stone Age ideas.
- Terry McAuliffe
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter,
taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are
the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and
prove it.
- P. J. O'Rourke
Which side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the
future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation
of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a
ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and
Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a
namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army,
flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government
welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this
feudal system is democracy.
- Stephen Colbert
The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell, underwent heart
surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his
heart. It's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership
position, they have to have their heart bypassed.
- Jay Leno
It looks like Condit is being abandoned by the Democratic Party. It looks
like they want to walk away from this guy. Imagine that. You are being
abandoned by the party who stood behind the Kennedys, Gary Hart, Dan
Rostenkowski, Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton! This is like getting kicked
out of Sodom and Gomorrah.
- Jay Leno
Here's good news I guess, New York City will host the 2004 Republican
convention. We lured the Republicans here the old fashioned way, with bribe
money and hookers.
- David Letterman
Congressman Bob Barr was at a rally last night when someone gave him a .38
caliber gun as a gift. Well, the gun went off. You know, the politicians hit
the floor. The Republicans thought maybe it was an angry voter, someone with
money in the stock market. And the Democrats thought maybe it was an angry
husband. So, between the two of them, they didn't know where to go.
- Jay Leno
Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That's the day the
Republicans tried to steal the Democrat's plans. That's also the last time
the Democrats had any plans worth stealing. It's also the last time a
Republican president had a plan and actually carried it out.
- Jay Leno
Attorney General John Ashcroft is going to cover up another nude statue in
the Justice Department. Remember last time, he spent $8,000 to cover up a
statue with a curtain. This time it will be a little cheaper because they're
just going to cover it with hundreds of unread FBI memos.
- Jay Leno
I guess today Senator James Jeffords from Vermont left the Republican party,
became an independent. Yeah, he said he did it to follow his conscience and
his principles. See, that's why he became independent, if you have a
conscience and principles, you can't be a Republican or a Democrat.
- Jay Leno
The big rumor in Washington is that Senator James Jeffords of Vermont may
switch parties, giving Democrats control of the Senate. That's the big
rumor. See, that would still leave the House controlled by the Republicans,
and of course the White House controlled by the oil companies. So you'd
still have that balance.
- Jay Leno
The shift in power in the Senate means that Trent Lott will become the
minority leader. Funny, you rarely hear a sentence with the words Trent Lott
and minority that doesn't also include the words 'no appeal to' and 'hates'.
- Jon Stewart
Democratic leader Tom Daschle has been whining all over TV, saying that Rush
Limbaugh and other talk show hosts have been inciting violence against
Democrats. Which is illegal you know, attacking an endangered species.
- Jay Leno
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old,
or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'
- David Letterman
The Democrats have selected Boston, Massachusetts, as the sight of their
2004 Democratic Convention. The convention will be held in September. This
way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face mathematical elimination
together.
- Jay Leno
It's amazing how quickly the news changes. I mean it's hard to believe just
ten days ago we believed Osama Bin Laden was dead the Democratic party was
alive.
- Jay Leno
I guess if he's a congressman and already in jail, it saves a step.
- Jay Leno
Robert Torricelli, a powerful fund-raiser who helped raise more than $100
million for the Democratic party, took inappropriate gifts from a
businessman, including an $8,000 gold Rolex watch, for which he was severely
admonished by the Senate Ethics Committee in July. To recap: raising $100
million in contributions from gigantic corporations - ethical; taking a
watch - unethical. That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since
1974.
- Jon Stewart
The Democrats said today that if they were in power they could get Israel to
pull out of Palestine. Oh shut up. They couldn't even get Bill to pull out
of Monica.
- Jay Leno
Politically, the big news is now this guy Senator Jim Jeffords from Vermont
announced late yesterday he's changing parties and no longer going to be a
Republican, thinking maybe an independent, so he's changing parties. But you
know, it's not unusual for senators to change party. For example, last night
Ted Kennedy went from a party at Bennigan's to a party at Houlihan's.
- David Letterman
Senator Jeffords says the reason he's leaving the Republican party, he's
just fed up with George Bush and the tax cut and he's also fed up with his
environmental policy. But the big reason, he says the Democrats offered to
let him get in on some of that hot intern action.
- David Letterman
Here's an interesting figure, 43 percent of the incoming Congressional
freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.
- Jay Leno
The latest documents released this week showed that priests with drug,
alcohol and sexual abuse problems continued in the ministry as recently as
two years ago. That doesn't sound like a church, it sounds like Congress
with holy water.
- Jay Leno
How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they
say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle
down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get
back in the community.
- Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some
members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush
needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to
death.
- Jay Leno
Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For
example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt.
- Jay Leno
Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1
trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look
over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'
- Craig Kilborn